Today I'd like to talk about abusive relationships. I'm sure we've all known someone in one before. Sometimes it takes a while to see the abuse taking place, sometimes it's an immediate and obvious problem, but we're still helpless as the victims will usually fight to defend their abusers. Fear is the drug; the depressant. Intimidation implants fear into the victim in different ways. Fear to express oneself, fear to reach out to family and friends, fear to enjoy life. The abuser will back the victim into a corner until they feel there is nothing to do but accept the situation and live life in their captor's holds. A dark and desolate state of being overcomes the victim and makes life seem a dull shade of gray. No life anymore. No happiness. No enjoyment of hobbies, passions or recreational activities. Simple things like calling a family member or attending a friend's party seem like a chore. Staying at home, taking care of the abuser, making sure they are always happy... these are things that gain importance. The abuser will convince the victim that they are of absolutely no worth but to please and cater to the abuser's needs. Whether it be sexual, emotional, verbal, physical, spiritual, psychological... abuse comes in many forms and none of them are acceptable.
What is an example of psychological abuse? Have you ever been in an argument with an abuser that you know you did not provoke or prolong... and then ended up as the one to blame for the entire meltdown? Have you ever known someone who twisted the truth completely to make you seem or feel insane? Have you ever known someone with an almost worrysome set of double-standards, to the point that they feel they can justify their actions by saying "It's okay if I do it, but you can't because I say so". The game of the abuser is to make the victim feel as though they NEED the abuser's support & attention. In reality, the abuser provides attention and support of the lowest, most degrading and worthless kind. The abuser will slowly break down the victim's defenses, sending them into a world of spiritual slavery, where they are held captive until they can find the right resources.
What are the right resources? Human beings. It's nearly impossible to see your self-worth when your metaphorical mirror is clouded on a daily basis by the dark and blood-sucking force of a chronic abuser. The only way to see that self-worth and inner light again is to see it's reflection in the eyes of a loving and compassionate human being. A positive and uplifting soul can be something to fear when you're trapped inside the abuser's grasp. It's the biggest leap of faith a victim can take to believe that anything positive could be said about themself. It's quite a challenge, teaching a victim of abuse to love themself again and understand that they ARE worthy of love; they ARE complete within themself and they WILL be able to escape thier captor's controlling ways. It really has to come from within. Even if it's contrived, the will must be present. The victim needs to first be reminded of how valuable a contribution they are to this life and how there ARE people who gain happiness from their existence. They need to feel important and needed and their efforts need to be recognized. They need to be reminded that they are MISSED by loved ones and friends.
What are the telltale signs of a victim of mental, psychical, spiritual, emotional & psychological abuse?
The victim will become withdrawn from society, normal daily activities, family & friends. The victim will have almost no self-confidene and lose touch with their ability to communicate with ease. Normal conversations may seem like a struggle as they fight to accept that not everyone is out to get them. In the victim's lonely world of the abuser's isloation, they have no worth, their thoughts & opinions do not matter; their body is an object; their emotions an insignificant laughing matter. How do you reconstruct your life after falling into the isolation of an abusive relationship? It starts with self-love. You tell yourself that you are amazing, wonderful, intelligent, talented, beautiful, strong and most of all FREE to make your own decisions in life. You accept the fact that your destiny is partially in your hands. We can sit around forever, wiating for our knight in shining armor to rescue us from a stubborn & malicious tyrant, or we can take matters into our own hands and build our support system based on the positive attributes our loves ones reflect upon us. I will admit, with much displeasure, that finding help without support can be perhaps the biggest hurdle a victim could ever have to jump. That would require somehow convincing oneself that nothing the abuser says is true and that there is a much more enriching life out there; outside the abuser's cage.
Imagine a victim in the most desolate of circumstances. A woman, for instance, who has been trapped in an abusive relationship for 15 years. Her husband, the abuser, has isolated her from her friends and family by moving out of the state, intercepting phone calls, emails and letters before they can get to the victim. He beats her, convinces her that she is worthless and stupid, forces sex and pregnancy upon her, doesn't appreciate any of her efforts and forbids her from communicating fom the outside world. They have 4 children together, ranging from ages 5 to 14, and he takes out the abuse on them too. Name calling, beatings and emotional abuse are everday occurences in their broken household. The children are taught that this is a normal way of life and that they are to abide by their father's instruction. None of them are old enough to break away and all of them are terrified of their father.
Her family is far away and of course, they miss her and are worried about her. As far as they know though, she has made the personal choice to distance herself and cut off communication with them. Some kind of resentment is harbored and the likelihood of it ever being resolved diminishes as the years pass by. This woman, who thought she married the man of her dreams, is now virtually trapped in this marriage of isolation and abuse. What can she possibly do in this situation? Well, I think her best bet would be to utilize her only outside source, the children, as her voice. They go to school. They have access to authority figures and counselors. Although the father has drilled the fear into them, this is really her only way of crying for help. Life is too precious not to take a chance on something like this. Outside sources. Doesn't matter who it is, as soon as somebody finds out what is going on, the chances of survival or escape increase significantly.
I can't even imagine the horrible kinds of abuse that go unseen every day. It's a viscious form of slavery that strips a person of their god-given rights. I remember when I was in the third grade, I had an acquaintance named Amber who lived in an extremely abusive environment. She used to tell me stories about the abuse her mother endured on a daily basis. Her father would push her mother's face down on the stove and threaten to burn her alive. Looking back, had I known then what I know now, I definitely would have reported something like that to some kind of authority figure. At least they could have looked into the situation to determine the validity of Amber's claim. I've accepted the harsh reality that I can't save everyone but a piece of me will always try to anyway.
I'll always look back on all the disturbing incidents I've witnessed throughout my 22 years of existence; all the incidents that I knew deep down were wrong and should have been stopped right away. I'll look back and wish that I could have done something to help. Nowadays, I'm that pistol who can't hold back the fury if I see anything that pulls my trigger. Injustice is a big issue for me and if there's anything I can do to help, I refuse to just let it pass me by. Unfortunately, it often plants me in situations I have to Huck Finn my way out of. It's a good thing I'm crafty and equipped with pretty decent acting skills. I can get myself out of a sticky situation if my gasget blows and I just can't fight ther urge to put someone in their place.
Abuse is a very common and very serious issue. I don't have any faith in the prospect of it ever coming to a complete stop. It's a part of human nature and in some cases, well-deserved. Although violence is not the answer, I can't promise that I wouldn't take a baseball bat to someone's head if they ever harmed one of my loved ones. I wish everyone had this humanitarian mentality. I am definitely a DOER, not a DREAMER... and would never miss the opportunity to embarrass the hell out an abusive person caught in the act. I think it's important to be the voice and the outside source for a person living in this kind of hell. We might take the easy way out and just say they they "put themselves" in that situation and that there's "nothing we can do" to help a person who has endured that kind of treatment for so long. This is NOT the correct disposition to have. We MUST reach out to those in need and teach them that they are loved and worthy of love; that they are strong enough to break away and live a healthy, happy life. Make a promise to yourself and your loved ones right now that if you ever see a person in this kind of situation; if you even THINK that someone might be in this kind of situation, please reach out and do whatever you can to be their voice. We can't completely stop this kind of despicable treatment of human beings, but we can do our best to minimize it.
Until next time
LC
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
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